I will never forget you

I fell in love.

I can't honestly say that is love for real, or even real love.

All i can say is that i will never be the same.

But I feel as if something inside me grew and bloomed.

It's a secret, a memory that no one but you and I will share.

No one can understand and I hardly expect them too.... or even want them too.

It was short... and now it must come to an end but

I don't regret a single moment of it.

And i never will.

You cannot take back love

Or it's sweet kisses and whispers

And to forget would be to simply love less

So i will hold on.

Now you're leaving and I wish you well

You have far to go in life and I believe in you with all my heart

Please know that this is what has to be

But that i will never forget you.

You have blessed my life in so many ways

And I am so glad that I found you.

Wherever you are, know that you are always in my heart

And on my mind

You have courage and strength

An integrity that has grown from trials

You have risen above the wrongs done to you

And become the man you are today.

You have a beautiful heart inside of you

And I thank you for sharing a piece of it with me

I treasure that so much.

I know that now we will go our own ways

But one day we will meet again

So I will not say good-bye...

See you later, my friend.

Because I know I will.

Just Lyrical

These are some of the lyrics from my all-time favorite band, The Weepies.


Little Bird

Sometimes it's hard to say
Even one thing true
When all eyes have turned aside
They used to talk to you
And people on the streets seem to disapprove
So you keep moving away
And forget what you wanted to say

Little bird
Little bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
Sometimes it's hard to tell the truth from the lies
Nobody knows what's in the hold of your minds
We are all building and people inside
Never know who walks through the door
Is it someone that you've met before

Little bird
Little Bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
Little bird

I know what I know
A wind in the trees and a road
That goes winding 'onder
From hear I see rain I hear thunder
Somewhere there's sun
And you don't need a reason

Sometimes it's hard to find a way to keep on
Quiet weekends, holidays
You come undone
Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me

Little bird
Little Bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
I'm golden



Can't Go Back Now

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

Romance

Have you ever met someone and you just... knew?

They aren't from around here. It's like.... the world--and all of it's worries

Just wash over them. Like somehow what they believe is enough.

I want to be one of them. So badly.

There is romance in this world--I know it! It's hiding in plain site, covered by tacky posters and false promises.

And not just romance...the kind you read in a book, or see in a movie. It's a way of LOOKING at the world

SEEING what everyone else seems to have....missed.

Like indie music. I admit, it's an addiction.

To me there is so much RAW talent packed in, so much heart--a unique heart-- that the world dismisses it as merely "out of touch".

But I have never experienced something so IN TOUCH. So ALIVE.

"Open your window and look upon all the kinds of alive you can be." - the Weepies

How beautiful. Every time I hear that, my heart wants to burst and I understand. I want to be ALIVE.

That's it.

ALIVE.

There is a world out there that is so suffocated inside of their crazy, hectic lives...

They are positive that they know everything that is to be known.

I have never met anyone so ignorant in all my life.

Romance IS....

To take every thing that comes your way--be it life or death, trial or triumph--and turn it into pure joy!

To seize the day-- CARPE DIEM-- (I love that!)

To not allow life to get in your way but rather LIVE it.

To not be brought down. I want that. I want to search out the romance in my life, and to live with JOY.

my life - or the last two weeks, at least

So much has happened, it's been hard to find time to write it all down! I guess I'll write what I can remember (which may not be a lot, knowing me and my bad memory) and we'll see how far I get....

1. School started!
So far, I'm liking my classes. I have Intro to Business, Psychology I, Photojournalism and Pilates... wow! That's a lot of P Classes....
Business is probably my least favorite but I'm determined to get through it.. even if it kills me! There are about 20 students, and we're all reeaally quiet. I think it's partly because it starts at 7:45, but I think there are just a lot of shy people. The material isn't really all that hard, but I feel very out of place there, like I don't belong. I'm hoping it gets better but if not, oh well.
Psychology is my favorite class! So much in fact, that I'm thinking of majoring in it! I just find it so fascinating, learning all these things about myself and others. There is about 50 students in this class, and definitely my biggest class. People seem more friendly in it, too. I've met one guy named Trevor, and we sat together but he might drop the class which sucks. I tried to use all my womanly whiles to get him to stay but who knows haha. Then there's this guy in front of me named Julian, and he's really outgoing and funny. And there's this really hot guy that sits across the room from me that keeps looking over! Score! Haha okay... just kidding. But seriously....
Then there's Photojournalism. With only 11 students, it's pretty cozy. It's once a week, so I've only had one class so far but we've already started bonding, i think! For starters, we all love photography which is awesome, and the teacher seems cool too!
Finally, there's Pilates! Boy, what a workout! It looks easy.... but it's very deceptive :) I can feel it working already! It's only twice a week, but it starts at 6:00am!! I'm getting used to it tho... and there are some really cool people there!

2. Work... or lack thereof.
Wow, I forgot how bad it sucks to be unemployed! I had to quit my old job because it was too far to drive every day, but now i'm starting to wish i'd just stuck it out... i never realized how bad the economy is until I started the job hunt... there's nothing! And worse..... i'm lazy, so I probably haven't been doing as much as I should. Sigh. I wish it were easier.

3. Crazies...
My life has just gone from hectic to downright chaotic! It seems like everything that can go wrong, will! There are so many things going on at home with my parents, so I'm helping out as much as I can around the house. Im trying to figure out college for next year, which is hard to do when you have no money... or any prospects of it. Plus, it seems like all my friends (excluding you, Jamie... i know you're reading this and I LOVE YOU!! hehe ) have just all kind of.... disappeared. It is so bizarre. I'll text them and they don't answer back. I talk to them at church and they act like I have the Black Plague! I call them.... but they would rather talk to other people. What is going on?? Do i just have a big Loser sticker on my forehead??

Okay, enough complaining. You know, for as hard as this all is, I feel like it's really bringing me closer to God. I know that this is just a learning time, and Im having faith that everything will work out in the end... He's already starting to!!! I went with Bianca to Fort Collins on Sunday, and we decided to head to the mall. I asked her if I had my keys, and then just assuming i did, we went in. An hour later, I came back and I heard this humming... Bianca looked at me and asked, "Did you leave your car running??" Turns out, I had! I still can't believe that it didnt get stolen... or that i did that!!! i have never done anything like that before! All i know is He was guarding that car.... i am so thankful.

Wow. Life... is good. For all the crazies, I'm appreciating it. I know that these are the best years of my life, and by golly! I'm going to enjoy them! :)

bookworm much? hehe

Okay, so I went to the library today. I love that place! Every time I go there, I find something new and interesting to read. Or, at least most of the time. Today, I got a book called Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola. My dad, as well as my youth pastor from high school have both read it and I've heard it is amazing! As far as I can gather, it talks about how many of the traditions of the church originated from pagan practices, and links of the past church to the present church.
and then i got this another book on personality, a book about Jews in Poland during WWII (one of my favorite history subjects) and a book by Rob Thomas, this guy that does NOOMA videos, a series of devotional thoughts in 5 minute videos.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day about how there are days when I like to stay inside and read a book, and he made this comment about how he wouldn't put that past me.... i don't know how to take that, exactly. Is that a nice thing? I mean, he wasn't being mean... but it's not exactly something that you would compliment someone on either....

Sigh. Oh well. I don't care. I think I'm just going to go read my books now.

Justice Is Dead

The judge raised his hammer, ready to resound the final judgement of the guilty man when a sharp cry pierced the heavy silence.

a young woman staggered forward, breathing heavily and obviously in pain. Her eyes moved through the crowd of somber faces to rest on the judge himself. Although in pain, her countenance was fierce, her eyes fiery and filled with anger.

She made her way to the front of the room, and lifted her head until she was looking directly into the judge's eyes. As he looked down on her, he felt this curious sense...something he had not felt in years, wash over him.

Guilt, in waves and crashing oceans, filled his entire being. He wanted to look away but felt strangely drawn to this pale figure.

She opened her dry lips, and in a barely audible whisper, spoke.

"There is yet one more witness to be called to the stand."

Just as he was about to protest, saying that the sentance had already been passed, the woman quivered, and in anger rose her voice, shouting:

"There is yet one more witness!"

Stunned, the judge merely nodded. As the Justice of the Peace swore her in, she closed her eyes, nodding her agreement as her hand lay on the dusty Bible.

All was silent in the courtroom. Every person strained to watch this odd figure, who was slumped over in the stand, quiet. A single tear slid down her cheek and the judge cleared his throat nervously.

"Ma'am... Miss. Uh... please share with this courtroom what you have witnessed."

The woman was silent for a moment, collecting her thoughts. Then, she sat up and pointed her finger at the defense attorney. "You are an infidel. Robbing your client! You have made him a fool, laughed behind his back. You knew from the beginning that it was a lost case, and still you kept him and his money... all the while reassuring him of his freedom!"

The attorney's eyes grew large. He stood up in protest, ready to defend his honor but she continued on.

"You!" she pointed at the prosecuting attorney. "You have twisted the rules of this court, paying those who would speak against you! You curse the grounds upon which you stand, and it begs to be taken rather than support such a vile creature!"

In her rage, she rose. Her voice was an icy calm, but the undertone had swiftly changed to one of silent panic. She looked around the room and continued. Her gaze shifted to the young man convicted of murdering his mother. Her eyes turned cold and she whispered,

"Who do you think you are? Who do you think you ARE?? You have killed the woman that has awakened you from the very depths of her soul! You have deceived her love by destroying all that you have become! Look at your hands, do you see the blood? Can you smell it? It is all around you! You have defiled the very laws of love by coveting the blood that sustains you!"

Shaking, she turned to the family.

"I know. I know what you have done, when you thought no one was watching. Your words and your abuse, flying around thick in the air. I curse you, who have made something so bitter that it would turn into this monster."

She cringed and fell back into the seat, heaving with quiet sobs. The whole room as one, swallowed the silence until there was nothing but the stale air in the deep summer afternoon to engulf them.

Just as the judge was about to speak, she opened her eyes, once more fixing her stare on him. A chill went through his body, and yet he felt an eery calm. She almost smiled.... and then it was gone.

"Judge. That is your title. How much more useful it would be to have you called Master or King. You sit on your throne, handing mercy to the highest bidder, the crowd your adoring people, all silently shivering in fear as you hand down your sentances on gilded platters. The innocent are shaken and torn, left to rot in prison while the crooks walk out with money in their pockets, and a smirk on their faces. And you have put it there! Blinded by your pride and promises of material wealth, you become lost in your ego. You don't even glance at the faces of the damned and defeated. If you are our only hope.... then this world is all but lost."

The judge by now was shaking. His breath came in gasps and his heart was racing. He gulped and closed his eyes because..... he knew. But he wanted to make sure.

He opened his lips, and whispered,

"Who are you?"

The woman fell back, weak and near death. Her face was pale, and her breath ragged. She sighed and sat still for a moment, and then uttered with her last breath,

"I am..... Justice."




This is something I've had in my head for months now, but I haven't really gotten the chance to write it down. I had this image of this haunting woman calling out the court system and more than that, humanity itself. It's very morbid, but I like it.

Playing Catch-Up

September 24. That's the last day I posted! It's so interesting to come back and read through all of these things that I've written... what I was thinking, dreaming, doing.

So much has changed since I last wrote! I've finished my first semester, and I'm getting ready to head into a new one. I'm quitting my job (finally!) and looking for another. I have new dreams, new ideas, new thoughts. I feel older, and younger at the same time.

Time. It's so odd. I can drag through an eight-hour day, and then what seems like two of those same days later, it's been a whole week! It's so sporadic and random, and most days I just want to throw it out the window!

But look. It's January 8th. And since I haven't really made any New Year's Resolutions, I think I'll start now. I resolve to write on here more faithfully. Not really for anyone's sake but my own. Because I think writing is my saving grace sometimes. When I can't just face the day, it helps to just sit and let all the words that are in my head come out, so I can face them head-on, look them right in the eyes.

I was visiting a friend last night, and she told me how she's been keeping a blog. And then I remembered, Hey! I have one too! She encouraged me to start up again... so here I am!

And you know what? It feels good :)