i don't usually dream but.... last night, this morning.... it was different.
i don't remember a whole lot except for the end, but i know that through the dream, i kept feeling frustrated and forgotten. My mom was helping this one kid I've known for awhile. I guess he was really sad because she kept talking with him and seperating him from me and my sister who were with him, and his two little sisters. We didn't know what was going on, and my mom wouldn't say. After awhile, things started getting darker, like there were shadows all over the place. Then, I was in this church. There were big windows, and as I was standing there, Ryan, this guy that I have liked for a long time, came over and gave me a hug.
I immediately felt calm, and loved. Like everything was going to be okay. He just held me for awhile, and was talking to me. He started telling me about these soldiers that had asked him to do something, but it was in a play of some sort but yet it was real, and I started getting really confused. He was asking me to help him and i didn't understand. We talked about it for a little while, and while I kept getting more and more confused, he just kept talking, like he didn't seem to notice. The space in which this happened was only a few minutes, but it felt longer, like a condensed version of something we had already experienced.
After awhile, I was laying on the floor, and he was sitting beside me. We were still talking, but he was talking less, and just looking at me. I remember laughing a few times, and just being... happy. We were still in the church, with a few people walking around, including my mom a couple times, but we didn't care. Then he started kissing me. But it wasn't out of love. It was angry and violent. I tried to return the first kiss but realized it's not what he wanted. I tried to pull away but he became more and more angry. Then, he pushed me away and said, "Get off the doorstep of my life. I never want to see you again."
Immediately, I was filled with shame. Like, everything I had done or let him do was my fault. I should have never liked him, because it made him angry. I didn't understand. The hate in his eyes tore me apart, and I couldn't understand, except that i felt that it was completely my fault. I just lay there, and then tried to crawl away. Right then, my alarm rang. I sat up and realized it was a dream, but it felt so real. I couldn't put it out of my head.
Usually, when I remember my dreams, they mean something. But I can't imagine what. Am I a slut? Am I too pathetic in wishing that he would notice me, like me? What about my mom?
I wish I could understand the things only my brain seems to know.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
hug the world
i LOVE college!!
yesterday, I started my first day of community college and i love it! I have already met a lot of interesting people, that may even become friends:
the blond boy with the nice laugh, the shy guy that comes across as angry, the girl that wants to be a tattoo artist, the homeschooled jock, the girl with a genuine personality, and the shia labouf look alike, my two professors who insist we call them by their first names.
They are all so different, and yet that is what i like so much about them. They are all unique. :)
I don't know. They just make me want to give the world a big hug!!! :)
yesterday, I started my first day of community college and i love it! I have already met a lot of interesting people, that may even become friends:
the blond boy with the nice laugh, the shy guy that comes across as angry, the girl that wants to be a tattoo artist, the homeschooled jock, the girl with a genuine personality, and the shia labouf look alike, my two professors who insist we call them by their first names.
They are all so different, and yet that is what i like so much about them. They are all unique. :)
I don't know. They just make me want to give the world a big hug!!! :)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
face your fears
haha... wow. i read the poem again, and Im gonna have to say that I actually really like it!
I think it's really interesting that I could compliment other people all day long and never think anything of it, but as soon as I say something positive about myself, I immediately glance around to make sure no one thinks I am being proud or conceited. Well, I've just decided, to HELL with that! I don't care if people DO think I'm being proud. Heck, I AM proud and not afraid to admit it either!
But... i am afraid of a lot of things. Unfortunately, I have a good strong hold on my fear. Or rather, it has a death grip on me. It seems like my life is run by the things that I am scared to face. Everywhere I go, there are rules and laws that keep me from going where I want to go, from being who I want to be. Sadly, most of these outrageous laws are ones that i have created for myself, out of my own fear of failure. How ironic that I have failed more in my pursuit of perfection, then i ever would if i just faced my fear and allowed myself to make mistakes!
Another thing that holds me back is the opinions of people around me. And these aren't even their opinions! They are opinions that I have created for them to have for me, so that I can feel like shit!!! Yes, it sounds outrageous, but a lot of us do that. We "mind read", guessing what the people around us are probably thinking, and then act based on that artificial assessment of someone else's reaction.
I tend to do this a lot, often with consequences that are less than pleasant. The most recent time was in a relationship with this guy I've known for awhile. We were good friends in high school, and even liked each other for a lot of it, but once he graduated (A year before I did) we didn't talk as much. Then, about a month ago, we got in touch again, and got together for lunch. After that, we kept in touch through texting. Now, for those of you that haven't figured this out yet, texting someone that you like can be very difficult because you're usually not just talking about the weather. To talk about a relationship, or in my case, the possibility of a relationship, is NOT something that should be discussed over texting!
So that's where it started. One thing was said, and then another and before I knew it I was calling him and having to explain myself and he was trying to understand why we weren't even talking about the same things! Needless to say, I was beyond frustrated. Everything we said could have a thousand different meanings, and not all of them were similar!
Long story short, we had roughly patched and explained things, and decided to get together again, instead of developing.... whatever we were developing, over the phone.
But about four hours later, he texts me (There's kind of a pattern here, huh?) and says he's leaving for school in Nebraska.
He apologized, but since it was only in writing, i had no idea if it was sincere or not. I had this funny feeling that a little bit of the reason he was leaving was because everything just got too complicated and he didn'twant to be stuck with something weird.
But that's going back to the whole mind-reading thing :)
So yesterday, I texted him (I've really got to stop doing that) and.... nothing. Just asked me how I was, and then stopped. I did get angry, but then I decided that I'm just going to leave it all alone. It was going nowhere way faster than things normally go nowhere, and it's not even worth it.
So here are my quality lessons:
1. It's okay to be proud
2. Nobody's perfect, and trying for perfection will only end in tears
3. Fear is the biggest enemy... and the hardest to defeat
4. Don't text, it's a really good way to lose a friend
5. Leave the mind-reading to the creepy old fortune tellers at the circus... they're trained professionals
I think it's really interesting that I could compliment other people all day long and never think anything of it, but as soon as I say something positive about myself, I immediately glance around to make sure no one thinks I am being proud or conceited. Well, I've just decided, to HELL with that! I don't care if people DO think I'm being proud. Heck, I AM proud and not afraid to admit it either!
But... i am afraid of a lot of things. Unfortunately, I have a good strong hold on my fear. Or rather, it has a death grip on me. It seems like my life is run by the things that I am scared to face. Everywhere I go, there are rules and laws that keep me from going where I want to go, from being who I want to be. Sadly, most of these outrageous laws are ones that i have created for myself, out of my own fear of failure. How ironic that I have failed more in my pursuit of perfection, then i ever would if i just faced my fear and allowed myself to make mistakes!
Another thing that holds me back is the opinions of people around me. And these aren't even their opinions! They are opinions that I have created for them to have for me, so that I can feel like shit!!! Yes, it sounds outrageous, but a lot of us do that. We "mind read", guessing what the people around us are probably thinking, and then act based on that artificial assessment of someone else's reaction.
I tend to do this a lot, often with consequences that are less than pleasant. The most recent time was in a relationship with this guy I've known for awhile. We were good friends in high school, and even liked each other for a lot of it, but once he graduated (A year before I did) we didn't talk as much. Then, about a month ago, we got in touch again, and got together for lunch. After that, we kept in touch through texting. Now, for those of you that haven't figured this out yet, texting someone that you like can be very difficult because you're usually not just talking about the weather. To talk about a relationship, or in my case, the possibility of a relationship, is NOT something that should be discussed over texting!
So that's where it started. One thing was said, and then another and before I knew it I was calling him and having to explain myself and he was trying to understand why we weren't even talking about the same things! Needless to say, I was beyond frustrated. Everything we said could have a thousand different meanings, and not all of them were similar!
Long story short, we had roughly patched and explained things, and decided to get together again, instead of developing.... whatever we were developing, over the phone.
But about four hours later, he texts me (There's kind of a pattern here, huh?) and says he's leaving for school in Nebraska.
He apologized, but since it was only in writing, i had no idea if it was sincere or not. I had this funny feeling that a little bit of the reason he was leaving was because everything just got too complicated and he didn'twant to be stuck with something weird.
But that's going back to the whole mind-reading thing :)
So yesterday, I texted him (I've really got to stop doing that) and.... nothing. Just asked me how I was, and then stopped. I did get angry, but then I decided that I'm just going to leave it all alone. It was going nowhere way faster than things normally go nowhere, and it's not even worth it.
So here are my quality lessons:
1. It's okay to be proud
2. Nobody's perfect, and trying for perfection will only end in tears
3. Fear is the biggest enemy... and the hardest to defeat
4. Don't text, it's a really good way to lose a friend
5. Leave the mind-reading to the creepy old fortune tellers at the circus... they're trained professionals
Monday, August 18, 2008
well, this is morbid.
fatal attraction
jump the gun
top it off and walk away
trail of smoke, leave in wake
long remembered--
quick mistake
rain-soaked honor
lies in shreds
blood-washed hands seize the day
standing tall
none can conquer
raging storm, demon laughter
rising up, a fog is looming
cover mortal night
in pain
swift the melody arise
plunge the sword
to stop the sighs
in the rancid taste of lust
the killer reaps
the churning dust
with lies and freaks
to turn the page
on history's last embrace
Here is my pathetic attempt at writing. Plus, I don't really have any idea what it's about. I like the words though. They are very powerful.
Honestly? I haven't been able to spit out a really good poem, one that I really liked, in about six months, but it's closing in on seven a little quicker than I'd like.
Oh well. All my emo friends will love me for this one.
:)
jump the gun
top it off and walk away
trail of smoke, leave in wake
long remembered--
quick mistake
rain-soaked honor
lies in shreds
blood-washed hands seize the day
standing tall
none can conquer
raging storm, demon laughter
rising up, a fog is looming
cover mortal night
in pain
swift the melody arise
plunge the sword
to stop the sighs
in the rancid taste of lust
the killer reaps
the churning dust
with lies and freaks
to turn the page
on history's last embrace
Here is my pathetic attempt at writing. Plus, I don't really have any idea what it's about. I like the words though. They are very powerful.
Honestly? I haven't been able to spit out a really good poem, one that I really liked, in about six months, but it's closing in on seven a little quicker than I'd like.
Oh well. All my emo friends will love me for this one.
:)
one of those days
do you ever have one of those days? where the world just seems to have shifted right out from under your feet, and all you can think to do is laugh?
My heart aches, a round pain that seems to set every fiber of my body into motion with exahusting hurt and mortifying exhaustion.
Usually, I would be crippled by this depression, but today I feel like I am walking on air. Even though I know that I am hurting, I have made a decision. A decision to be okay with not being okay.
Last night, when I made this discovery, I was talking to a friend. I had gone over to her house at around seven and after she put her daughter to bed, we made dinner and talked over hash browns and sausage. I stayed until nearly 11:00, and even that was not enough time.
To be with her, to be able to talk about everything and know she understood was priceless. Those moments are things that I want to hold onto forever, just freeze them away and take them out again any time I'm feeling like there's no way out.
My heart aches, a round pain that seems to set every fiber of my body into motion with exahusting hurt and mortifying exhaustion.
Usually, I would be crippled by this depression, but today I feel like I am walking on air. Even though I know that I am hurting, I have made a decision. A decision to be okay with not being okay.
Last night, when I made this discovery, I was talking to a friend. I had gone over to her house at around seven and after she put her daughter to bed, we made dinner and talked over hash browns and sausage. I stayed until nearly 11:00, and even that was not enough time.
To be with her, to be able to talk about everything and know she understood was priceless. Those moments are things that I want to hold onto forever, just freeze them away and take them out again any time I'm feeling like there's no way out.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
what can i say?
i have this daily routine, this cycle i follow every morning.
come to work, turn on the lights, turn on the phones, put away my lunch, and sit down at the computer. i currently six tabs up on my screen (I love tabs, i've decided) and check each one of them. then, i get to my blog. i'll check to see if anyone has anything to say about my (Profound?) words, but nothing so far. then, i'll look to see who else in the world there is.
the thing that i love so much about blogs is that i find bits and pieces of myself in each person i meet. to read their words and their honesty gives me this rush, and i know i'm not as alone as i feel i am.
like, today. i was checking out who else in Colorado likes to blog, and came across this girl that had gone to Ethiopia. It was so crazy to hear her talk about it, since I have been wanting to go to Africa for awhile now. It was like a future me writing and saying how much fun it was.
today in general, i am loving people. i just want to sit down and have a good long talk with a total stranger over coffee.
strangers are one of my favorite things. if you think about it, 99% of our lives are spent with people we will never meet again. to stop and make something out of those once-in-a-lifetime (And if you're lucky like me, two or three times) encounters. to smile at the person in line next to you in the store, or to help someone with a door, or tell someone you like their shirt. those are some of my favorite moments in life.
the ones that can never be repeated. it's a chance to do all the good things you would never do otherwise.
one of my favorite times was when i was shopping. i saw a guy about my age sitting on the edge of a utility truck, and he looked like he was waiting for someone. i smiled at him, and almost said something but decided not to. so i went into the store for awhile. then, about half an hour later, i found him still out there so i walked over and asked him if he was having fun. he said he was waiting for his boss. we made small talk for a few minutes, and then i left, smiling. how strange that something like that would make me so happy, but it did. to connect.
later that week, i saw him in the same gas station as me, 30 minutes from the place i saw him before! I laughed out loud. :) he looked over and smiled this huge smile; he remembered! unfortunately, i wasn't able to speak to him again, because i was just leaving, but it was so funny to see him again.
and, don't laugh, i think i gave him a piece of my heart. the way you only can with a stranger, if that makes any sense at all.
so, to all my strange and stranger friends, thank you. you have brightened my life more than ever, and you will never know.
come to work, turn on the lights, turn on the phones, put away my lunch, and sit down at the computer. i currently six tabs up on my screen (I love tabs, i've decided) and check each one of them. then, i get to my blog. i'll check to see if anyone has anything to say about my (Profound?) words, but nothing so far. then, i'll look to see who else in the world there is.
the thing that i love so much about blogs is that i find bits and pieces of myself in each person i meet. to read their words and their honesty gives me this rush, and i know i'm not as alone as i feel i am.
like, today. i was checking out who else in Colorado likes to blog, and came across this girl that had gone to Ethiopia. It was so crazy to hear her talk about it, since I have been wanting to go to Africa for awhile now. It was like a future me writing and saying how much fun it was.
today in general, i am loving people. i just want to sit down and have a good long talk with a total stranger over coffee.
strangers are one of my favorite things. if you think about it, 99% of our lives are spent with people we will never meet again. to stop and make something out of those once-in-a-lifetime (And if you're lucky like me, two or three times) encounters. to smile at the person in line next to you in the store, or to help someone with a door, or tell someone you like their shirt. those are some of my favorite moments in life.
the ones that can never be repeated. it's a chance to do all the good things you would never do otherwise.
one of my favorite times was when i was shopping. i saw a guy about my age sitting on the edge of a utility truck, and he looked like he was waiting for someone. i smiled at him, and almost said something but decided not to. so i went into the store for awhile. then, about half an hour later, i found him still out there so i walked over and asked him if he was having fun. he said he was waiting for his boss. we made small talk for a few minutes, and then i left, smiling. how strange that something like that would make me so happy, but it did. to connect.
later that week, i saw him in the same gas station as me, 30 minutes from the place i saw him before! I laughed out loud. :) he looked over and smiled this huge smile; he remembered! unfortunately, i wasn't able to speak to him again, because i was just leaving, but it was so funny to see him again.
and, don't laugh, i think i gave him a piece of my heart. the way you only can with a stranger, if that makes any sense at all.
so, to all my strange and stranger friends, thank you. you have brightened my life more than ever, and you will never know.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
live alive
live alive
breathe in each day
of sorrow, sorry laughter
and shatter them
into an oblivion-
cast by the clocks; stopwatches
radiant cages for all mankind
and whisk away to fields of dawn
with love's tasting on your lips
taste the summer, golden
hear the whispered notes
live alive
in darkness creeping
over veiled fortress
of work and toil and sweat and tears
rising out of soil
feed the bird and set it free
sing to moving cloudkings
and fall away the ground
live alive
in hopeless bleeding
in loss of memory
old age, a torment to lovely time
a knife to all achieved
throw off the binds
of careful saving, live in reckless youth
the sun still shining, eyes still open
upon the fading valleys
breathe in each day
of sorrow, sorry laughter
and shatter them
into an oblivion-
cast by the clocks; stopwatches
radiant cages for all mankind
and whisk away to fields of dawn
with love's tasting on your lips
taste the summer, golden
hear the whispered notes
live alive
in darkness creeping
over veiled fortress
of work and toil and sweat and tears
rising out of soil
feed the bird and set it free
sing to moving cloudkings
and fall away the ground
live alive
in hopeless bleeding
in loss of memory
old age, a torment to lovely time
a knife to all achieved
throw off the binds
of careful saving, live in reckless youth
the sun still shining, eyes still open
upon the fading valleys
Monday, August 11, 2008
wonder...
Thought of the Day:
What is the one thing that I have in common with every other person on this planet?
That one common denominator that enables me to look another human being in the eye and say without fear"I understand."
Is it fear, love, faith, God, time, vision, hope?
You know, i don't know. But i don't really think it even matters.
What is the one thing that I have in common with every other person on this planet?
That one common denominator that enables me to look another human being in the eye and say without fear"I understand."
Is it fear, love, faith, God, time, vision, hope?
You know, i don't know. But i don't really think it even matters.
Friday, August 8, 2008
random list(s)
Okay, so i love lists and i just thought I'd share this one.
Why? Because it's Friday, and 20 minutes before I'm off for the weekend, and there's not a soul in the place.
And i feel like it, damn it! :)
Things I'd Like To Do:
1. Be a crop duster (And fly a cool yellow plane!!)
2. Drive a tractor
3. Go to the top of a church steeple
4. Get lost in a beautiful forest (But only for two and a half days, preferably a weekend)
5. Kiss someone in the pouring rain (I know, I know. It's on the brain. Sorry.)
6. Travel
7. Be a famous artist
8.Have an amazing garden
9.Own a cow
10.Fly (Or the closest thing to it)
11.Be a mailman lady (Does that make sense??)
And, just for kicks, here is another interesting list
Things I Don't Want To Do
1. Be old and boring
2. Be stuck in a job I hate
3.Be a Lesbian (I like my men very much, as previously stated)
4.Die in a car crash
5.Dive in the ocean with a bunch of whales...... those things scare the bugeezus out of me!!!
6.Be alone
7.Kill an animal on purpose
8.Kill another human being on purpose
9.Suck at photography (I would seriously cry if that happened)
10.Screw up my life
Okay, so that second list wasn't as good. I'll think of a better one on Monday.
But for now, I'm off to have a perfectly awesome (I hope, I hope) weekend!!!
Laters! XD
Why? Because it's Friday, and 20 minutes before I'm off for the weekend, and there's not a soul in the place.
And i feel like it, damn it! :)
Things I'd Like To Do:
1. Be a crop duster (And fly a cool yellow plane!!)
2. Drive a tractor
3. Go to the top of a church steeple
4. Get lost in a beautiful forest (But only for two and a half days, preferably a weekend)
5. Kiss someone in the pouring rain (I know, I know. It's on the brain. Sorry.)
6. Travel
7. Be a famous artist
8.Have an amazing garden
9.Own a cow
10.Fly (Or the closest thing to it)
11.Be a mailman lady (Does that make sense??)
And, just for kicks, here is another interesting list
Things I Don't Want To Do
1. Be old and boring
2. Be stuck in a job I hate
3.Be a Lesbian (I like my men very much, as previously stated)
4.Die in a car crash
5.Dive in the ocean with a bunch of whales...... those things scare the bugeezus out of me!!!
6.Be alone
7.Kill an animal on purpose
8.Kill another human being on purpose
9.Suck at photography (I would seriously cry if that happened)
10.Screw up my life
Okay, so that second list wasn't as good. I'll think of a better one on Monday.
But for now, I'm off to have a perfectly awesome (I hope, I hope) weekend!!!
Laters! XD
whew! ....Ish.
well, the picnic was a success....and no liplock, which was good.
afterwards, he texted me and said he was being gentlemanly, and didn't try to kiss me.
i, of course, said thanks, i appreciate that. but i kind of wanted to.
why the hell do i always say dumb stuff like that?? I could have very well kept it to myself, thank you very much. and then maybe i wouldn't get into these dumb situations.
also....
i haven't talked, really talked with this guy since he graduated, which was a year ago. now, he wants to know if we can make these "dates" as he calls them, something that happens more often.
out of the blue.
i mean, we liked each other in high school, but that's about it. nothing ever really happened.
he was the kind of guy that made out with girls and had sex all the time, and i wasn't. i didn't even get my first kiss until a week before i was 17. and that's the only 0ne I've had!
(Which may explain why I wanted to kiss him so bad; it's been forever! Hmmmm....)
so anyways. back to the story. he tells me that, and so i tell him i'm not sure i can go out with him because i know how he is with girls.
he got defensive, and said he'd changed a lot since high school. part of me believes him, just because i tend to want to see the good in people rather than the bad, but i also know that he made out with one of my friends just this summer, and that doesn't really sound like a change to me.
ok. i don't even know if i want to be dating right now. I'm just getting started with college and trying to figure out my own personal life, i don't know if i can even handle something like that.
so anyways. we're gonna talk about it.
he really feels like he's changed, and maybe he has. i don't know. maybe i should just cut it off now, before i do any further damage, to either him or me. but there's another part of me that wants to just go for it, try something new. take a risk.
wow. i thought the drama stayed in high school, but apparantly...not.
afterwards, he texted me and said he was being gentlemanly, and didn't try to kiss me.
i, of course, said thanks, i appreciate that. but i kind of wanted to.
why the hell do i always say dumb stuff like that?? I could have very well kept it to myself, thank you very much. and then maybe i wouldn't get into these dumb situations.
also....
i haven't talked, really talked with this guy since he graduated, which was a year ago. now, he wants to know if we can make these "dates" as he calls them, something that happens more often.
out of the blue.
i mean, we liked each other in high school, but that's about it. nothing ever really happened.
he was the kind of guy that made out with girls and had sex all the time, and i wasn't. i didn't even get my first kiss until a week before i was 17. and that's the only 0ne I've had!
(Which may explain why I wanted to kiss him so bad; it's been forever! Hmmmm....)
so anyways. back to the story. he tells me that, and so i tell him i'm not sure i can go out with him because i know how he is with girls.
he got defensive, and said he'd changed a lot since high school. part of me believes him, just because i tend to want to see the good in people rather than the bad, but i also know that he made out with one of my friends just this summer, and that doesn't really sound like a change to me.
ok. i don't even know if i want to be dating right now. I'm just getting started with college and trying to figure out my own personal life, i don't know if i can even handle something like that.
so anyways. we're gonna talk about it.
he really feels like he's changed, and maybe he has. i don't know. maybe i should just cut it off now, before i do any further damage, to either him or me. but there's another part of me that wants to just go for it, try something new. take a risk.
wow. i thought the drama stayed in high school, but apparantly...not.
here comes trouble...
today, i am going on a lovely picnic with a... friend.
well, not really a friend. more of a potential make-out buddy.
ohhh yes. i can pretty much forcast what that will entail, even though we haven't done this in the past.
he's just that kind of person.
now, what kind of a person would I be to let him do that? answer: a girl with no self-respect with a side of horny-ness. (A mild one, but still...)
i know it's not the best thing ever, but I've made up my mind to go and try to avoid it, even though I'm not even sure what that means. my reasoning is that i didn't bring my lunch, and if i didn't go, i'd be a grumpy, starving mess.
that's my excuse. not a very good one, but it's the best i can do at this point.
You want to know why I'm even doing this? Because there are too many things going on in my life right now for me to try and uphold my boundaries, even though I know I'll regret it later. i always regret things, and I'm tired of it.
I want to do this. but i know I'll hate myself later when i can't go back and fix it.
regret is an awful thing. it's the voice that tells you you're a failure, after you've already done it.
come on! the kid doesnt even care about me. it's a load of bull shit!
Damn it!! I care, but i don't!
i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it, because I've already tried with a few people and they didn't seem to care, like i thought they would.
so... i'm pretty sure I'm on my own here.
it's time for me to be a big girl, and make my own decisions, without looking for everyone else's approval in it.
i wish i was stronger, and better at saying no to things I want. my life would be a whole hell of a lot better.
well, not really a friend. more of a potential make-out buddy.
ohhh yes. i can pretty much forcast what that will entail, even though we haven't done this in the past.
he's just that kind of person.
now, what kind of a person would I be to let him do that? answer: a girl with no self-respect with a side of horny-ness. (A mild one, but still...)
i know it's not the best thing ever, but I've made up my mind to go and try to avoid it, even though I'm not even sure what that means. my reasoning is that i didn't bring my lunch, and if i didn't go, i'd be a grumpy, starving mess.
that's my excuse. not a very good one, but it's the best i can do at this point.
You want to know why I'm even doing this? Because there are too many things going on in my life right now for me to try and uphold my boundaries, even though I know I'll regret it later. i always regret things, and I'm tired of it.
I want to do this. but i know I'll hate myself later when i can't go back and fix it.
regret is an awful thing. it's the voice that tells you you're a failure, after you've already done it.
come on! the kid doesnt even care about me. it's a load of bull shit!
Damn it!! I care, but i don't!
i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it, because I've already tried with a few people and they didn't seem to care, like i thought they would.
so... i'm pretty sure I'm on my own here.
it's time for me to be a big girl, and make my own decisions, without looking for everyone else's approval in it.
i wish i was stronger, and better at saying no to things I want. my life would be a whole hell of a lot better.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
near-death-experiences, what what!
So yesterday,after my inspirational discovery that I am not, in fact, chained to the state of Colorado, I decided to go take a drive with my camera and visit some of the lovely sights that Loveland has to offer. While they were quite quaint and impressive, I grew restless and decided to drive around some more.
Now, I was downtown, in the 20 mph, weird one way streets, reckless idiots section of town. This being said, I am already not a careful driver. I mean, not in a "Ohh my God here she comes everyone off the road or we'll all perish for sure!!!!" kind of way. More like I just kind of forget there are other cars on the road with me.
But it wasn't all my fault that I almost got into a wreck 4 times in ten minutes!
Here is what happened. I was driving down the street when I saw a street that looked even better to drive on (A modern story of the sheep that wanted the grass on the other side.... anyways. Back to my story.) so I took it, not realizing that it was a one-way street... going the opposite way I was. My first thought was, Come on, road! Work with me here!
My second thought was, Ohhh shit. Those are cars.
So I quickly pulled into a lovely little parking lot and got myself turned the right way.
Needless to say, I was a little pissed. I hate when that happens.
So I took off down the road, happily singing to my music when I get to another corner. I look to make sure no one is coming, but apparantly not well enough, because as I'm turning left I hear this car honking it's horn, at ME! from about a block away.
Apparantly the 20 mph signs were doing nothing for him, because he was going at least 30! The maniac!
This made me mad because he should know that I couldn't see him!
Okay, maybe not. But that was the best thing I could think of.
After that, I decided to go to the lake nearby. I mean, it would be nice to have some peace and quiet after my near-death experiences! So I head off, and in the midst of my blissful dreams of water lapping at my toes, and a gently swaying breeze, I nearly get side-swiped by a car because I didn't know it was only a 2 way stop instead of a 4 way.
Luckily, this lady was pretty calm and didn't get very mad.
By this time, I'm starting to wonder if someone has put a magnet under my car! Or maybe I made a generous contribution to the brain foundation. Either way, I was ready to get off the road!
So I head to the lake, making it into the parking lot with a sigh of relief.
I stay there for awhile, drinking in the late summer afternoon. I sit and read my book and just relax. Then my sister calls and asks me to head to work.
As I'm pulling out, I tell myself to be careful. After all, something weird is going on.
While I'm saying this, and being super extra Extra careful, I run a stop sign.
The only way I figure this out is that the guy across from me kindly points this out me as I'm passing him. Nice kid, really. Good thing I was there first or we would have been getting to know each other a lot better. I would have gotten his number, as well as his insurance information! A double whammy!!
And that is my tale.
Looking back, I consider myself pretty lucky. I mean, I could have been killed!
And who would miss me?
My lovely 43 viewers. Silent as they are, they keep me hopeful that I am not talking to myself.
Right?
Right.
Now, I was downtown, in the 20 mph, weird one way streets, reckless idiots section of town. This being said, I am already not a careful driver. I mean, not in a "Ohh my God here she comes everyone off the road or we'll all perish for sure!!!!" kind of way. More like I just kind of forget there are other cars on the road with me.
But it wasn't all my fault that I almost got into a wreck 4 times in ten minutes!
Here is what happened. I was driving down the street when I saw a street that looked even better to drive on (A modern story of the sheep that wanted the grass on the other side.... anyways. Back to my story.) so I took it, not realizing that it was a one-way street... going the opposite way I was. My first thought was, Come on, road! Work with me here!
My second thought was, Ohhh shit. Those are cars.
So I quickly pulled into a lovely little parking lot and got myself turned the right way.
Needless to say, I was a little pissed. I hate when that happens.
So I took off down the road, happily singing to my music when I get to another corner. I look to make sure no one is coming, but apparantly not well enough, because as I'm turning left I hear this car honking it's horn, at ME! from about a block away.
Apparantly the 20 mph signs were doing nothing for him, because he was going at least 30! The maniac!
This made me mad because he should know that I couldn't see him!
Okay, maybe not. But that was the best thing I could think of.
After that, I decided to go to the lake nearby. I mean, it would be nice to have some peace and quiet after my near-death experiences! So I head off, and in the midst of my blissful dreams of water lapping at my toes, and a gently swaying breeze, I nearly get side-swiped by a car because I didn't know it was only a 2 way stop instead of a 4 way.
Luckily, this lady was pretty calm and didn't get very mad.
By this time, I'm starting to wonder if someone has put a magnet under my car! Or maybe I made a generous contribution to the brain foundation. Either way, I was ready to get off the road!
So I head to the lake, making it into the parking lot with a sigh of relief.
I stay there for awhile, drinking in the late summer afternoon. I sit and read my book and just relax. Then my sister calls and asks me to head to work.
As I'm pulling out, I tell myself to be careful. After all, something weird is going on.
While I'm saying this, and being super extra Extra careful, I run a stop sign.
The only way I figure this out is that the guy across from me kindly points this out me as I'm passing him. Nice kid, really. Good thing I was there first or we would have been getting to know each other a lot better. I would have gotten his number, as well as his insurance information! A double whammy!!
And that is my tale.
Looking back, I consider myself pretty lucky. I mean, I could have been killed!
And who would miss me?
My lovely 43 viewers. Silent as they are, they keep me hopeful that I am not talking to myself.
Right?
Right.
Monday, August 4, 2008
(over)joy
as we speak, or rather, as I speak, i am waiting to decide what i will do with my future.
it's like someone just handed me a big box tied with a red ribbon.
i knew it was mine before, but now!
it's like i have this canvas, and i can choose exactly how i want to fill it.
i could go to Rome!!!
I've been given an opportunity to stay in a house in Rome, which would give me a great opportunity to see the world, and to take pictures!!!!
no more am i stuck where i don't want to be, fit into a place where things have to be a certain way.
I could load up my suitcase tomorrow and head for Rome, Italy!!
The idea both exhilarates and terrifies me. I would leave my family and everything i know and just wander off to some place that speaks a totally different language!
But i have to start some time, i might as well take whatever opportunity I have and run with it!
and it wouldn't even have to be this year if i didn't want to. I could take some photography and art classes, do a little more school and be at home, and then I'm off!!
And this is me, flying.
I literally feel like i am not even touching the ground. People could be around me, i might be inside a building but I am flying. The passion that I feel every time i talk about it is so intense that I secretly think I transfer it to others who happen to be listening. It's like they catch the disease, this incurable thing that has taken me over.
it is my purpose, my destiny, and I must follow!
it's like someone just handed me a big box tied with a red ribbon.
i knew it was mine before, but now!
it's like i have this canvas, and i can choose exactly how i want to fill it.
i could go to Rome!!!
I've been given an opportunity to stay in a house in Rome, which would give me a great opportunity to see the world, and to take pictures!!!!
no more am i stuck where i don't want to be, fit into a place where things have to be a certain way.
I could load up my suitcase tomorrow and head for Rome, Italy!!
The idea both exhilarates and terrifies me. I would leave my family and everything i know and just wander off to some place that speaks a totally different language!
But i have to start some time, i might as well take whatever opportunity I have and run with it!
and it wouldn't even have to be this year if i didn't want to. I could take some photography and art classes, do a little more school and be at home, and then I'm off!!
And this is me, flying.
I literally feel like i am not even touching the ground. People could be around me, i might be inside a building but I am flying. The passion that I feel every time i talk about it is so intense that I secretly think I transfer it to others who happen to be listening. It's like they catch the disease, this incurable thing that has taken me over.
it is my purpose, my destiny, and I must follow!
hey boys...... never mind.
oh strange silent people, please say something.
i am stuck looking for others like me, but instead find myself shopping for men.
poor them. poor me.
i seem to do this quite frequently, and even though it is quite harmless, it is obviously insane.
Obviously.
Actually, it is perfectly normal. It's only the case that I don't feel like admitting that i am doing something like checking out other people's blogs because they are cute.
It's shallow, i know. And hypocritical and pointless and silly and juvenile and i didn't even find a really cute one!!
I guess I'll just have to leave that one alone.... or at least wait until tomorrow.
Sorry, boys.
I almost caught myself writing Lol.
I text waaaay too much.
Would it be entirely ridiculous to at least express the unabbreviated version, Laugh Out Loud??
Yes, yes of course it would.
But who the hell cares??? ;)
LOL
i am stuck looking for others like me, but instead find myself shopping for men.
poor them. poor me.
i seem to do this quite frequently, and even though it is quite harmless, it is obviously insane.
Obviously.
Actually, it is perfectly normal. It's only the case that I don't feel like admitting that i am doing something like checking out other people's blogs because they are cute.
It's shallow, i know. And hypocritical and pointless and silly and juvenile and i didn't even find a really cute one!!
I guess I'll just have to leave that one alone.... or at least wait until tomorrow.
Sorry, boys.
I almost caught myself writing Lol.
I text waaaay too much.
Would it be entirely ridiculous to at least express the unabbreviated version, Laugh Out Loud??
Yes, yes of course it would.
But who the hell cares??? ;)
LOL
corner of my eye
my day is fast approaching when i will no longer be tolerant of the life that i am living.
because, because i have seen something better. and after seeing this, i am no longer satisfied with "good enough".
these things that i have seen are simply flashes,
snapshots out of the corner of my eye.
i glance, and it's gone but it haunts me more and more until i am practically gasping for air with the very lungs i have been breathing from since day 1.
no matter. i know what i have seen, and although none can see what i have, i embrace the solitude of my one thought, my vision that is not shared by another of my kind.
Perhaps i am insane but truth be known, i much prefer it.
It suits me, and requires no sane thoughts, only free ones. and that is, actually, my goal.
to utterly destroy this box that i have been born into, this guilded cage that i am so very secure in.
to break free and fly away.
because, because i have seen something better. and after seeing this, i am no longer satisfied with "good enough".
these things that i have seen are simply flashes,
snapshots out of the corner of my eye.
i glance, and it's gone but it haunts me more and more until i am practically gasping for air with the very lungs i have been breathing from since day 1.
no matter. i know what i have seen, and although none can see what i have, i embrace the solitude of my one thought, my vision that is not shared by another of my kind.
Perhaps i am insane but truth be known, i much prefer it.
It suits me, and requires no sane thoughts, only free ones. and that is, actually, my goal.
to utterly destroy this box that i have been born into, this guilded cage that i am so very secure in.
to break free and fly away.
Friday, August 1, 2008
swift, die love
rapid is the
last is his
sooner better are gone
than the
sensitivity of this
resumed spinning of
absolute agony
outside the life
perfected for the
love of her
and missed sorely
direst of moments
she thought and he
death contemplated of
at last decision
to dawn's first kiss
and settle normality
in balance for
necessity to be
breathe at least at last
forgetful not
turning sideways to look
last at margins
stale words come
prepared to break
any lasting silence
in the two young hearts which have let go of all hope
swift die love
last is his
sooner better are gone
than the
sensitivity of this
resumed spinning of
absolute agony
outside the life
perfected for the
love of her
and missed sorely
direst of moments
she thought and he
death contemplated of
at last decision
to dawn's first kiss
and settle normality
in balance for
necessity to be
breathe at least at last
forgetful not
turning sideways to look
last at margins
stale words come
prepared to break
any lasting silence
in the two young hearts which have let go of all hope
swift die love
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