here comes trouble...

today, i am going on a lovely picnic with a... friend.
well, not really a friend. more of a potential make-out buddy.

ohhh yes. i can pretty much forcast what that will entail, even though we haven't done this in the past.
he's just that kind of person.

now, what kind of a person would I be to let him do that? answer: a girl with no self-respect with a side of horny-ness. (A mild one, but still...)

i know it's not the best thing ever, but I've made up my mind to go and try to avoid it, even though I'm not even sure what that means. my reasoning is that i didn't bring my lunch, and if i didn't go, i'd be a grumpy, starving mess.
that's my excuse. not a very good one, but it's the best i can do at this point.

You want to know why I'm even doing this? Because there are too many things going on in my life right now for me to try and uphold my boundaries, even though I know I'll regret it later. i always regret things, and I'm tired of it.

I want to do this. but i know I'll hate myself later when i can't go back and fix it.
regret is an awful thing. it's the voice that tells you you're a failure, after you've already done it.
come on! the kid doesnt even care about me. it's a load of bull shit!

Damn it!! I care, but i don't!
i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it, because I've already tried with a few people and they didn't seem to care, like i thought they would.

so... i'm pretty sure I'm on my own here.
it's time for me to be a big girl, and make my own decisions, without looking for everyone else's approval in it.

i wish i was stronger, and better at saying no to things I want. my life would be a whole hell of a lot better.