face your fears

haha... wow. i read the poem again, and Im gonna have to say that I actually really like it!

I think it's really interesting that I could compliment other people all day long and never think anything of it, but as soon as I say something positive about myself, I immediately glance around to make sure no one thinks I am being proud or conceited. Well, I've just decided, to HELL with that! I don't care if people DO think I'm being proud. Heck, I AM proud and not afraid to admit it either!

But... i am afraid of a lot of things. Unfortunately, I have a good strong hold on my fear. Or rather, it has a death grip on me. It seems like my life is run by the things that I am scared to face. Everywhere I go, there are rules and laws that keep me from going where I want to go, from being who I want to be. Sadly, most of these outrageous laws are ones that i have created for myself, out of my own fear of failure. How ironic that I have failed more in my pursuit of perfection, then i ever would if i just faced my fear and allowed myself to make mistakes!

Another thing that holds me back is the opinions of people around me. And these aren't even their opinions! They are opinions that I have created for them to have for me, so that I can feel like shit!!! Yes, it sounds outrageous, but a lot of us do that. We "mind read", guessing what the people around us are probably thinking, and then act based on that artificial assessment of someone else's reaction.

I tend to do this a lot, often with consequences that are less than pleasant. The most recent time was in a relationship with this guy I've known for awhile. We were good friends in high school, and even liked each other for a lot of it, but once he graduated (A year before I did) we didn't talk as much. Then, about a month ago, we got in touch again, and got together for lunch. After that, we kept in touch through texting. Now, for those of you that haven't figured this out yet, texting someone that you like can be very difficult because you're usually not just talking about the weather. To talk about a relationship, or in my case, the possibility of a relationship, is NOT something that should be discussed over texting!
So that's where it started. One thing was said, and then another and before I knew it I was calling him and having to explain myself and he was trying to understand why we weren't even talking about the same things! Needless to say, I was beyond frustrated. Everything we said could have a thousand different meanings, and not all of them were similar!
Long story short, we had roughly patched and explained things, and decided to get together again, instead of developing.... whatever we were developing, over the phone.
But about four hours later, he texts me (There's kind of a pattern here, huh?) and says he's leaving for school in Nebraska.
He apologized, but since it was only in writing, i had no idea if it was sincere or not. I had this funny feeling that a little bit of the reason he was leaving was because everything just got too complicated and he didn'twant to be stuck with something weird.
But that's going back to the whole mind-reading thing :)

So yesterday, I texted him (I've really got to stop doing that) and.... nothing. Just asked me how I was, and then stopped. I did get angry, but then I decided that I'm just going to leave it all alone. It was going nowhere way faster than things normally go nowhere, and it's not even worth it.

So here are my quality lessons:
1. It's okay to be proud
2. Nobody's perfect, and trying for perfection will only end in tears
3. Fear is the biggest enemy... and the hardest to defeat
4. Don't text, it's a really good way to lose a friend
5. Leave the mind-reading to the creepy old fortune tellers at the circus... they're trained professionals